Joke of the Day 
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
top
 New Jokes
 1
A man walks into a jewellery store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a large-sized rock in its center. Excuse me sir, the gentleman says to the salesman. How much is this ring? Ah, that's a beautiful piece, the salesman replies. It goes for $10,000. My God! the man exclaimed. That's a lot of money! Yes, but a diamond is forever. Perhaps, the gentleman replied, but my marriage won't last that long!
2
It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. 'Oh, I don't know,' she said . 'Just give me something with diamonds.'That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.
3
WHAT WOMEN THINK DURING SEX
At 17: Hope I don't get pregnant!
At 30 : I wish this time he'll buy me those diamond earrings I want!
At 50 : We have to paint the ceiling
top
Diamond Joke - 1
Men who wear ear-rings are reckoned to make good husbands because –
1. They have experienced pain.
2. They have bought jewellery
top
Diamond Joke - 2
A lady entered a jeweller's and said "You sold my husband a diamond ring yesterday but it's the wrong size".
"No problem madam, we can adjust the finger size easily".
"Oh, you don't understand, you sold him a one carat size, and I take a five carat size"
top
Diamond Joke - 3
Goodness, what a beautiful diamond ring you're wearing Miss West!"
"Goodness had nothing to do with it!" replied Mae.
top
Diamond Joke – 4
How does a diamond feel when it wakes up in the morning?
Shiny and bright.
top
Diamond Joke - 5
What did the ruby say to the diamond?
You're so clear you make me blush!
top
Diamond Story
Mexican scientists have devised a new method for manufacturing synthetic diamonds – using tequila. According to a report in “The Times of India”, researchers at the University of Nueva Leon, Mexico, found that the drink produces crystal diamond structures – conducive of electricity – when heated.
The crystals have previously been made from other chemicals but this is reportedly the first time researchers have proven that alcohol can be used to produce a synthetic diamond. Researchers used 80 proof “tequila blanco” for the experiment.
top
Diamond Joke – 6
A man asked his girlfriend to marry him by getting down on his knees and offering her one beautiful diamond earring. She accepted happily but asked why her engagement gift was only a single earring.
He replied, "I'm on a lobe budget."
top
Diamond Joke - 7
What do you call it when a dog eats your wedding ring?
A Diamond in the "Ruff."
top
Diamond Joke - 8
Woman goes to hairdresser. Hairdresser says “I’m really sorry to hear about your husband’s death, how are you coping, there must be a lot to do and think about”. The woman replies “Actually I have just been working on the memorial stone”. Hairdresser – “What type of stone are you going to use?” Woman – “Here it is – 5.00 ct”
top
Diamond Joke - 9
Man tells mate he bought a diamond for missus
“what sort was it?”
“A shut the **** up diamond”
top
Diamond Joke - 10
I never hated a man enough to give him back his diamonds – actress Zsa Zsa Gabor
top
Diamond Story
A Chinese woman almost foiled her boyfriend’s plan to propose by accidentally eating the ring. According to a report in “The China Daily”, the man had hidden the engagement ring inside a cake and presented it to his girlfriend. Completely oblivious, she swallowed the rock, fainted and was rushed to hospital where doctors extracted the ring. The proposal has since been accepted.
top
Diamond Joke - 11
A girl came into a jewellery shop looking at a ring to buy. She was with a friend and she was interested in trying on different sizes. First we tried a size Q, followed by a size O, but neither was right. It was suggested that she really needed a P. Then she crossed her legs, got a strange expression on her face and replied, “I think you’re right,” and headed off to the
bathroom.
top
Diamond Joke - 12
Rachel, darling, how wonderful to see you after all these years! My goodness, what an incredibly large diamond ring you've got. Is it a very famous diamond?"
"Oh yes, she says, it's the famous Bloomenstein diamond, but it's got a curse with it".
"Really, what's the curse?"
"Mr. Bloomenstein, of course!", says Rachel.
top
Diamond Joke - 13
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his ******* forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
top
Diamond Story
Mexican scientists have devised a new method for manufacturing synthetic diamonds – using tequila. According to a report in “The Times of India”, researchers at the University of Nueva Leon, Mexico, found that the drink produces crystal diamond structures – conducive of electricity – when heated.
The crystals have previously been made from other chemicals but this is reportedly the first time researchers have proven that alcohol can be used to produce a synthetic diamond. Researchers used 80 proof “tequila blanco” for the experiment.
top
Diamond Joke - 14
Man goes into jewellery shop on a Friday afternoon a with drop dead gorgeous
woman half his age. They eventually settle on beautiful 4.00ct diamond ring
and spectacular diamond bracelet. The man writes out a cheque and explains
to shop staff that he understands the cheque will need three days to clear
and they should call him when it is cleared.
The couple leave the shop, she very obviously overjoyed. Oh Wednesday the
shop staff call the man to advise that his cheque had bounced. "On he
says", I had no intention of buying that jewellery - but I did have the best
weekend ever!"
top
Diamond Joke - 15
I’ve been married for thirty years and buying diamonds for the same woman – and I’m still in love with her. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
top
Diamond Joke - 16
Young woman walked into a jeweller first thing one Monday morning, handed a large impressive solitaire ring to the owner, and asked could he "just tell her whether this is a real diamond or not, and is it worth having valued" as a very good friend had given it to her over the weekend. The jeweller could tell from a distance that it was only in a cheap 9 carat gold mount, and a quick look using an eyeglass not only confirmed this, having a "375" hallmark, but also revealed a "C.Z." stamp, so was undoubtedly a cubic zirconia.
The jeweller gave his opinion to the "customer", who promptly burst into tears, wailing, gnashing of teeth, and other hysterical behaviour. After five minutes she had recovered her composure sufficiently to further quiz the jeweller, "How can you be so sure after such a brief look, you haven't even tested the stone", she said accusingly. "Madam, from years of experience, I can tell real diamonds from fakes without using a diamond tester. They are only used by amateurs, it is only in a 9 carat mount, and nobody in their right mind would set a high quality 4 carat diamond in such a cheap mount. It's also stamped C.Z. inside the shank, so please do not call my expertise into question, especially when I am giving you free advice, replied the long-suffering jeweller. At this the woman burst back into uncontrollable sobbing, and it took several minutes before the jeweller could manage to communicate with her. "Well, dear, don't get so upset. As you were given it, you haven't suffered any financial loss. If this were a real diamond ring it would be worth $40,000 or more, at least you haven't bought it on ebay for $20,000. If you had I could quite understand you being so upset, but as it was only a gift, then really you have not lost anything," he tried to console her.
At this point she snatched the ring from his hand, and snarled "You clearly don't understand the seriousness of the situation! I insist you call the police immediately."
"Why?", said the puzzled jeweller.
Isn't it obvious?, said the woman, "I've been raped!"
top
Diamond Joke - 17
Guy to girl, "Will you sleep with me if I give you this 1carat D Flawless diamond ring?"
"Sure thing," says the girl.
"Well how about if I give you this CZ ring?"
"What sort of girl do you think I am?"
"We already know that", says the guy, "now we are negotiating a sensible price!"
top
Diamond Joke - 18
Lady in jeweller's, "What type of engagement ring is the best investment?"
"Long term or short term, madam?"
top
Diamond Joke - 19
"Pamela Andreson phoned us for a quote to have her nipples pierced with diamond hoops, and I quoted $5,000"
"Did she go for it?"
"No – she called back and and said another jeweler offered her more!"
top
Diamond Joke - 20
A prostitute went into a police station to report a rape. The desk sergeant reminded her of her profession, and asked how it happened. She threw a fake damond ring on the counter and said “He gave me this ring and the jeweller says it is a fake”
top |
